Why do swans look so gracefull and awesome when they're swimming and everything but as soon as they take to the skies its "PANIC!?" The look in their eyes is one of constant fear and they lumber around like a fatty in a cake shop being harrassed by a team of midgets with trip wires.
I like the way we call bus shelters, bus shelters. We should really just leave it as bus stops, because we already have homeless shelters, so its kind of odd that we'd have a shelter...for busses, athough they're not for busses they are for people. I do like the idea of a place for vagrant busses, and the visions of them all sitting there talking about their lives
"So what happened to you?"
"Me? Oh well I used to do a sleepy route through Lancaster, but then they re-assigned me to the big city, I never did quite get with it and these new darn-fangled ways of life. You?"
"Ahhhh, well to cut a long story short my conductor left me, with only a half tank of diesel and several passengers to support...needless to say we crashed, I lost a good fender that day. I've been wandering ever since"
"Deep man...Deep"
Not that a homeless person would do such a thing, but oh well. I like the joy you feel when you give a homeless man a sandwich and a can of cheap cider. The notion of giving to a homeless person is pretty fulfilling, even if it is a cheap bottle of Strongbow. Also the feeling that they'll cherish the booze more than the sarnie is a good one.
I like the way that it's really hard to syncronise Bob Dylan's singing to other people speaking. I tried it at work today with several engineers talking at another's desk. Needless to say I thought I had it until the harmonica came in. That shit it up, I wonder what an engineers equivalent of a harmonica is? Assuming they can't play a harmonica, which I'm going to purely guess in saying that most engineers don't know how to play. Oh it'd be so ace if they were all little jazz & blues enthusiasts underneath it all. The Quantity Surveyors would well be bass guitar, keeping the shit humming over nice and smoothly. The execs would be the guitars, showing off. The cleaners would have to be tambourines.
I wish there was such thing as a human tambourine. Like when you wrap a towel around your waist and then spread your legs apart...A lá kilt...and then drum on the taught towel. Although you would need some sort of tambourine style mini-symbols surgeried into your sides. That may be painful, but it'd well be the ultimate body modification this side of having another arse grafted to your chest. Arse-Chest, the worlds biggest surprise...WHERE WILL HE SHIT FROM NEXT?!!??!?!?! I am assuming Arse-Chest Man's second arse functions in much the same way as his natural arse.
Is it possibly to breed a person with a giant arse? It'd be so great for kicking. I like to believe that we are all born with a certain set amount of pride when we're born, and as we get older it dwindles until eventually when we have lost all control of our bladders in public situations we may have none left. I like how a baby would not know this and then commits a series of stupid things that would lower its pride level normally, but do not considering you would have to make a special exception for a baby as its too young to think fully. Speaking of pride, I like how manliness walks hand in hand with it. I love how if I accidently lose my bearings on a tube and get off at the wrong stop but know its the wrong stop as I step off, I will not step back on for fear of humiliation. I would rather cut my own arse off and drink its juices. Instead I opt to move to the opposite platform before hurrying back after the train and anyone who knows of my existence can no longer be seen.
I like randy male pigeons who make their necks massive and fat and then chase the females around. I'd much prefer it if we could do such things in the human world.
"Oi, my neck is a lot fatter than yours, I demand your wife as a result of this fortunate trait"
"Ahhh well, uhhhh, I bet your expenses on scarfs is through the roof"
*breaksdown*
...such if the trauma of living with a fat neck. Poor randy pigeons, scarfs are an expensive luxury for them. Remember this you trendy bastards that wear scarfs in beginning of Autumn, thing of those poor randy pigeons, beady eyed, shitting everywhere, necks too fat for a scarf.
I read the line "beady eyed" as beardy eyed. Which sounds so much better. To have a beardy eye would be an awesome item to have on oneself. So many blind people would come about when it is time to clip it. What would everyone do with their eye beard? Would they handlebarise the upper half and turn the bottom half into some sort of...Merciless Ming affair?
Why was Merciless Ming so useless? Kind of like those Putties out of Power Rangers, I hated that show as a kid, it was so shite. But whoever designed the Putties must have been an idiot, why put the "death spot" slap bang on its chest? That person must have designed the Death Star from Star Wars...
"So, this "Death Star" of yours, you say it has a very fragile inner core?"
"Yes, I suppose that is very true"
"So if say, something was to hit this core and break it, it'd be pretty...fatal wouldn't you say?"
"Yeah, I guess so"
"SO WHY THE COCKING SHIT DID YOU BUILD A HOLE FROM THE OUTSIDE ALL THE WAY THROUGH TO IT?"
"It...It gets so dark in there"
You have to feel sorry for the putties though. THEY CAN NEVER HUG. They can never cuddle when they fall in love, lest they wish to kill each other. They can never hug to celebrate a moment.
"Yeah! The Power Rangers are dead! High Five guys!"
*High Fives*
"I mean did yo usee the red ranger get his innards ripped out by that giant manatee that Lord Zalronsdfggsgshjjjkkkkkfdfg created, it was so ace, group hug!"
*Group death
I think it is something that people who are afraid of hugging should remember. Feel it while you can, if you were a putty, a hug would be as deadly as a rabbit that wanted a Cobra as a pet.
I'm terminally shite at anything to do with photo editing. Therefore I leave it simple these days. Unlike the text that goes alongside the picture. READ THAT EASILY YOU BASTARDS.How do you find out about a weak spot like the one they have? I love the fact that someone could make a troop so useless that they couldn't honestly expect to win anything...ever. Kind of like the French army during the Prussian wars. They were pretty bad at winning. Despite their humungous numercial advantages.
I love shit ideas. Ideas such as:
- I know! Lets invade Russia (Hitler...Napoleon).
- Lets fill a ship so much, that it can't float (Mary Rose).
- The Ugandan Space Programme.
- Putting a recording device in the US Oval Office (*cough* Richard Nixon)
- Setting your hat on fire to keep yourself warm.
I like the thought that I hope never speak to a friend again as the last time I saw them their hat was on fire. Don't know why, it just was. I like to think that if someone asks me when the last time I saw that person, I can reply.
"Oooh, must have been a year or two ago now, their hat was on fire the last time I saw them"
This never fails to raise a smile. I like smiling. I like how its all BAM...happiness. And how such happiness and smiling can cause suspicions. A smiler is hiding something. My grandmother told me that. I dunno why. She's always smiling herself, probably because she wont turn her hearing aid on and can't hear you, so she smiles to be polite. Maybe that's what she's hiding, deafness? Either than or she's an android, send from the PAST, yes...the past and she's been sent to destroy something cute and fluffy, or a randy male pigeon. I hate how everything in films thats sci-fi-y has to come from the future. I say fuck it, send it forward from the past. I saw a well good idea for a film a few years back, I think it was Japanese. Its about going back in time with tanks and guns to fight a mongol style army. One sided you may think? NO! This olde style army has demons or some other crazy stuff on their side. I mean, c'mon, as if that is a match for a sidewinder missile straight to the face.
Must be great to move as fast as a missile. It'd make that game you play in a car really shite though. The one where you vision yourself running alongside the car and jumping over stuff or cutting down the trees and things and cutting hills and mountains and all sorts. YOU'D BE GOING FAR TO FAST TO DO THAT. I wish you could slow down or stop time. Not to enjoy a moment but to arrange people into compromising situations and positions. In a suspended animated world ruled by me, there would be many a hand on many an arse when time resumes. I'd also make sure that the world operated on the policy of old comedies where the lady would then turn around and go "COH" and then slap the bloke, right in his mutton chops. Everyone should have mutton chops.
I like how stereotypical Germans have their mutton chops and how I have a german slang book and I love the way it makes no sense whatsoever to call someone a "ball muncher" in German. Why would one want to munch balls? This would be beneficial to neither party. Unless one is a canibal, if so, why run the risk of a reprisal when eating and munching on the live balls? It'd make more sense to remove the balls.
Why do touch lamps only work when you touch them and not tap them with a nail or something else similar? Like a mouse touch pad on a laptop. A stylus simply wont work for a bloody mighty fist will. A knuckle hardly works either unless you're a fatty. Which im not. I'm reliably told that fatter people make for excellent sex, I do not know if this is true, and I probably should find out but there are so many. The choices!
Sorry, I can't quite get away from the upsetting thoughts of putties. Spare a thought for those poor bastards.
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