There are places I'll remember all my life

"though some have changed,
Some forever not for better,
Some have gone and some remain,
All these places have their moments,
With lovers and friends I still can recall,
Some are dead and some are living,
In my life I've loved them all"

(In My Life - The Beatles)

I didn't ever think that the Beatles could sum something up so damn well. Fair play to them, sure it is just a generalised song. But they're simply the best ones. You make your own mind up on the meaning and they seem to be attributable to your life because of it. I see it as an acknowledgement of all the brilliant people you've met and loved, but at the same time a need to move on and leave them behind. Memories are sometimes the best things to hold on to if the relationship is battered and worn.

So this is where I start again. Out with the old and in with the new. I've felt utterly rubbish the last few days, sure I've had fun, but something is missing and some parts of my life are still clinging to me when no longer want or need them. None of what I write makes sense anymore, I'd blame it on the fever I seem to have currently, also the hangover and high anxiety that feels like someone is smashing your chest in. I've no idea why the anxiety is getting more frequent and annoying, I'm not happy about something but I don't know what. Maybe it's been just a crap couple of months and I'm taking it too much to heart. The cat of 17 years dies, general health deteriorates somewhat and sleep gets worse. I feel like I'm stuck between two different mind sets.

The more outgoing, happy go lucky character that likes to get stuck in and have fun. Or the more introverted, quiet type who busies himself and gets on with things without interfering with those around him. When I was younger I was muchly the latter, but High School changed the old mentality. But was it for the better? I used to always wait for things to happen and never jump at a chance or risk anything. Doing anything took nothing. Life passes you by and you want to see some more of the action but in doing so you lose the peace of mind. Maybe I want to return to that and shut myself off from the world for a bit. I really need to do some travelling and get away from this country. I think it's definitely come to the point where I can't stand the place any longer. If any opportunities come to work abroad after uni I think I'm going to have to take them.

It probably says a lot when all you really want to do is go outside and scream from the agitation and frustration in your life. Still I know I don't have it as bad as most. I know where my career is going, I'm delighted with it. I'm seeing the bigger picture now I'm in London and I've learnt a massive amount in a few short months. But I still don't know where I want to go as a person. I want to let things go but they keep sticking there in my throat. I really don't know which way to turn. I think I really need a holiday! A day off and a weekend every now and then isn't really enough. I want 2 or 3 weeks just to do nothing of any general importance.

I think to put it all bluntly, I want to feel alive again, I want to live in bliss.


"Though I know I'll never lose affection,
For people and things that went before,
I know I'll often stop and think about them,
In my life I love you more"